I feel like I have been asking that question a lot lately. Not that I am perfect at this, but on most days I'm pretty content with the knowledge that God has a sweet and perfect plan for mine and my husbands life. But then the days creep in where I ask why and I want to know what that plan is. Would I really be more content if I knew plan or would I just have more stress and anxiety. I'm sure it is the latter of the two. But in theory knowing is better, right?
Well one of my guilty pleasures is recording/ watching 16 and Pregnant and the Teen Mom series. I don't know why but I like watching these girls lives and seeing how they deal with the reality of a baby at a young age when their life is often unstable. Let's not even get into those who abuse and neglect their kids. Let's just talk about those who don't want their babies, who are still 'babies' themselves having babies, who abort they babies. I just ask why so much lately. Why does God give them the wonderful gift of a sweet baby when they don't want it and are too young to even know what to do when I'm here longing for a baby everyday. Literally, my heart aches some days. So why I torture myself with these shows I have no idea? I end up crying by the end anyway. I do try to remember to say a prayer for that mom and/or dad and baby when the show is over though.
Then there is miscarriages. Now for some reason this is a little easier for me to deal with. I tell myself that it was part of God's plan and that my body, or some one elses body, couldn't be a good home for that baby right now so God takes them early for him to enjoy his beautiful creation. But why are miscarriages everywhere? It is so heartbreaking for all the mommy's to be who long for a baby and are excited for a baby.
I've been trying to tell myself that I need to get healthy first and take care of my health needs first and then my body will be ready for a baby. But on most days that isn't enough to ease the heartache. Now I'm started grad school this summer and I'm hoping that will help also. Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly happy right now. I love my husband and the life we are making together so much. I love my job this year. I love the quality friends have made this year. I love spending time with each of our families and the traveling we can do together. I love being spontaneous with my hubby and getting away for the weekend. I could go on and on. But I'll be incredibly joyful when the Lord deems me worthy to carry one of his perfect creations, when he chooses my hubby and I to raise one of his little humans. So until then I'll be praying to be content in all circumstances, count my blessings everyday and relish in God's beautiful babies all around me.
On a note of progress, for the first time in 9-10 months, a friend announced they're pregnant and I didn't cry! I'm always genuinely happy for them, but this time I didn't feel bad for myself!